The Problem with the "5 Stages of Grief"

...and how they can confuse us

Most people have heard of the 5 stages of grief as outlined by Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross. They are:

• denial - "No, not me, it cannot be true"

• anger - "Why me?"

• bargaining - attempting to alter the situation with "good behaviour"

• depression

and finally …

• acceptance

Knowing about these concepts can sometimes be a helpful tool. But more often than not they lead people to become confused about their grief.

People often say to me “I know there are these stages I have to go through…” as if grief is exactly the same for every person.

But grief isn’t like that.

Everyone experiences loss in their own unique way. You could go through all 5 before breakfast and then 3 more stages after lunch (stages that you don’t even have names for yet!).

Or you might reach acceptance one day…and be thrown into depression the next. Grief often creates a chaos of emotions within us that no label can define.

Then some people say things like: “I should be finished with bargaining now and have moved onto acceptance”.

In my experience there are no real linear stages, no specific time-line and no rule that says you must to go through all of them.

Let’s face it. It’s messy.

I’ve worked with people who went straight to acceptance very, very quickly after their loss. Others, for example, didn’t experience bargaining, denial or depression at all. And still others who had been in denial for a long time.

All of this shows us, that if we cling too closely to any kind of frame work it can keep us stuck and make us feel like we’re doing something wrong.

This is why it’s so important to try and accept where we are right now, no matter what name we give to it and no matter what we’re going through.

Someone I worked with recently said that the more they “leaned into” their experience, even when it was very painful, the more quickly they moved through it.

Granted, they sometimes needed to do this several times a day but it did get easier to move through these painful stages over time.

Maybe it’s time to add or redefine these stages of grief. Better yet, we could call them “states”, as in; states that we pass through. Here are some suggestions for new states we can try on:

• Acceptance of where I’m at right now, no matter what.

• Allowing myself to really feel what I’m feeling right now, without judgement (when it’s safe to do so)

• Allowing myself curl up into a ball sometimes if I need to (knowing it won’t be like this forever)

• Moving on with my loved one (not moving on from my loved one)

Thank you for reading

Mick Young - Spiritual Grief Mentor

www.spiritualscientist.org

PS. I mean no disrespect to Dr Kübler-Ross. She did incredibly invaluable work for the world in terms of enhancing our understanding of grief, death and dying.